Monday, March 25, 2013

Lullaby

 
 
 


How can anyone ever be ok with the baby section of a cemetery??

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Act III, Scene i

 
To be, or not to be - that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing
 
          end them.
 


Sunday, March 17, 2013

Music To My Ears

I took my daughter swimming last week and after we got changed she danced joyfully around in her swimsuit and said, "Do you think I look cute?" I laughed and said, "Yes! And for that you get a spanking!" and patted her playfully on the bum. She looked at me puzzled and said, "What do you mean, mama? What's a spanking??"



Thursday, March 07, 2013

India

About 10 years ago, before Pete & I had kids, we took a trip to India. I could write so much about that but I think the photos tell it better.

The Golden Temple at Amritsar

The beautiful colours of India

The desert in Rajasthan

Covered up when they saw us

Haveli in Jaisalmer

Jodhpur

Taking a tour

Udaipur

Taj Mahal

Minaret at the Taj Mahal

Step well

"Mini Taj"



Monday, March 04, 2013

The Wire

Sometimes I think of this grief as a wire. I'm dangling from it, holding on as tightly as I can with both  hands. The wire is sharp and is cutting my hands. Far below are jagged rocks. People come along and say how sorry they are. They are walking comfortably and securely along the wire. It's like they don't even notice they are walking on a wire. They have the right shoes for it. I am barefoot. Sometimes they bring food. I picture casseroles. Sometimes they say, "Aaww, that looks uncomfortable. Here, let me help." And they start to lift my fingers one by one off the wire. I want to scream, "No! Don't do that! I will fall!" Instead I politely say, "Oh thank you. That's so kind." Sometimes, with great effort, I am able to say, "Could you please not do that? I know you mean well but you're making it worse." Some people respond, "Huh. I was only trying to help." They walk away and don't return. Others say, "Oh sorry! I will stop. Let me know what you need." I don't really need anything. Some of them come back and just talk to me. They listen. Somehow that makes it less uncomfortable for me. Sometimes they put on very thick gloves and climb down and dangle beside me for a while. When I think I'm alone, dangling on this wire, I look to either side and there are other people dangling there too. Their hands are cut and they are barefoot. I take one hand off the wire and wave. They wave back. It's hard to do this, I feel like I'm going to fall but I don't. Sometimes we call out things to each other. Mostly we say, "I know."

Every analogy breaks down at some point. How do I get off this wire? I don't think I do. I think maybe I grow callouses and scars. My arms grow stronger. I pull myself up. My feet get cut. They grow callouses and scars. I never get my shoes back. My balance gets better, but never perfect. It's always work. The cuts never fully heal, but I get used to the sensation.


Saturday, March 02, 2013

Dream - The Hike

The other day I met a friend for tea, a babyloss friend that I met at support group last year. We caught up on some of the challenges we've each been struggling with lately. That night I dreamt that she and I went on a hike. The path through the woods started off clear, but soon became overgrown with roots and branches and leaves, and the path started to climb uphill. We ended up scrambling on hands and knees and trying to claw our way through to the top.

Next time, decaf.




Warrying

Favourite line in yoga this morning: "This pose is called warrior, not worrier."



Friday, March 01, 2013

Angry Morning


"Friends" who have abandoned our daughter to avoid me for their own comfort MAKE ME SICK.